I recently got a new pair of Fluevogs, and, in addition to my usual pleasure in having a beautiful, funky pair of boots to wear, I also felt a renewed frisson of delight that I get to be a person who has a favourite shoe designer (acquired organically, not through a deliberate attempt to wear cool brands!) and a life (and paycheque) that accommodates wearing awesome shoes.
This didn't even occur to me as a possibility when I was a kid. I wasn't into fashion not because I didn't like fashion, but because it didn't even occur to me that a person like me was allowed to even think about being into fashion. Fashion was for pretty people and cool people, which I most decidedly was not.
One thing I was into as a kid was Star Trek. And that got me bullied. The pretty people and the cool people would make my life a living hell for not being pretty and for not being cool and for being into Star Trek.
Star Trek: Discovery is the first Star Trek I've gotten to enjoy "live" - watching each episode as it comes out rather than watching the whole thing in syndicated reruns - in over 25 years. (And thank you, by the way, to Space Channel for showing Discovery on actual TV, so Canadians can enjoy our Star Trek in its traditional medium - and my preferred medium - without having to deal with streaming!)
So this has me thinking about 25 years ago, and appreciating everything that has changed in 25 years. I got to become the kind of person who has awesome shoes! I can be pretty whenever I feel inclined to make the effort. I'm not cool (although I've successfully tricked one or two people into thinking I am), but I'm in a place where my lack of coolness is irrelevant and I can love the things I love without worrying about coolness. I can watch Star Trek whenever I want without anyone giving me a hard time, and I can also tell everyone that I'm watching Star Trek and they still don't give me a hard time!
Plus, through the magic of 21st-century technology (i.e. Twitter) I can discuss Star Trek with like-minded people even if there aren't any in the room or in my social circle. I can talk to Star Trek cast members and Klingon translators (and have done so - and gotten likes replies - repeatedly!), and discuss serious themes like economics and colonialism interspersed with jokes and fannish speculation.
And I do all this from my very own condo in Toronto, which is significant because all those pretty people and cool people who bullied me aspired to leaving our small town and moving to Toronto, and, even though it didn't even occur to me at the time that a person like me was allowed to aspire to such things, I seem to have achieved it anyway.
My adolescent self would be mindblown!
I wonder if, 25 years from now, there will be elements of my life that currently don't seem like things I am even allowed to aspire to?
Showing posts with label i love being a grownup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i love being a grownup. Show all posts
Friday, September 29, 2017
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
First days of school
First day of kindergarten. I'm scared and nervous. I don't know objectively what my parents did or did not do, but I felt like no one had every told me this was coming. So I want to bring Smurfy, my very favourite toy Smurf and best friend in the world, with me. My mother tells me "If you bring Smurfy, everyone will know you have a Smurf." I think this is a good thing. After all, he's a good Smurf and I'm proud of him!
First day of middle school. I have to take the bus. Some of the older boys at the bus stop are really big and scary and testosterony (although I don't yet know that word). The kids from the other elementary school are somehow more worldly (although I don't yet know that word) and bring into our grade a whole new set of unspoken rules. I manage to break most of them the first day, before I was even aware that they were there.
First day of high school. I'm wearing blue because a magazine quiz told me that's what colour I am, not yet having any idea how to select flattering clothes. I'm wearing make-up! Concealer under my eyes, a bit of powder because it seemed like the thing to do, mascara on my lashes, white eyeshadow under my brows, and lipstick. It was actually more attractive than it sounds. I'm back to walking to school and feel very independent doing so, but I have to walk alone because none of my friends are along my route. A couple of bigger, older boys are walking in front of me but more slowly than I am, and I agonize over whether I should pass them on the sidewalk. It seems vaguely uppity (although I don't yet know that word) to pass people who are supposed to be bigger and stronger and more athletic than me, and I'm worried I'll get bullied for it. I get to the school and there's no one around that I know. My supposed best friend isn't there because the first day of school fell on Rosh Hashanah that year. Little do I know that she's decided she doesn't want to be my friend any more. She, and the rest of the circle, are going to abandon me, and the girls who are her new friends (I don't even know how she made new friends with that group so quickly) are going to be mean to me. I will spend the next 2.5 years literally friendless.
First day of university at my alma mater. I'm in 2nd year when I move into student housing the first time, and am mistaken for a frosh and told to go to a frosh orientation event. I realize early on that it's for frosh and sneak out under the guise of going to the bathroom, thinking that they're somehow enforcing attendance. There's pizza in the caf and it looks and smells so very tempting, but if I go there and buy it they'll see me. So, thinking that somehow they even care, I sneak out the other way and go back to my room, where my very first meal living on my own is a cup of instant noodles eaten in my bedroom.
Today. I woke up in the same apartment I've lived in for 3 years, put on a flattering outfit I've worn to work dozens of times before, and went to the same job I've had for 7 years. There I saw the same people and did the same work as the day before and the week before and the year before. The rules and expectations are the same, and if for some reason they aren't I can ask outright what they are. Life stays the same. No major changes. Pas de rentrée.
I love adulthood!
First day of middle school. I have to take the bus. Some of the older boys at the bus stop are really big and scary and testosterony (although I don't yet know that word). The kids from the other elementary school are somehow more worldly (although I don't yet know that word) and bring into our grade a whole new set of unspoken rules. I manage to break most of them the first day, before I was even aware that they were there.
First day of high school. I'm wearing blue because a magazine quiz told me that's what colour I am, not yet having any idea how to select flattering clothes. I'm wearing make-up! Concealer under my eyes, a bit of powder because it seemed like the thing to do, mascara on my lashes, white eyeshadow under my brows, and lipstick. It was actually more attractive than it sounds. I'm back to walking to school and feel very independent doing so, but I have to walk alone because none of my friends are along my route. A couple of bigger, older boys are walking in front of me but more slowly than I am, and I agonize over whether I should pass them on the sidewalk. It seems vaguely uppity (although I don't yet know that word) to pass people who are supposed to be bigger and stronger and more athletic than me, and I'm worried I'll get bullied for it. I get to the school and there's no one around that I know. My supposed best friend isn't there because the first day of school fell on Rosh Hashanah that year. Little do I know that she's decided she doesn't want to be my friend any more. She, and the rest of the circle, are going to abandon me, and the girls who are her new friends (I don't even know how she made new friends with that group so quickly) are going to be mean to me. I will spend the next 2.5 years literally friendless.
First day of university at my alma mater. I'm in 2nd year when I move into student housing the first time, and am mistaken for a frosh and told to go to a frosh orientation event. I realize early on that it's for frosh and sneak out under the guise of going to the bathroom, thinking that they're somehow enforcing attendance. There's pizza in the caf and it looks and smells so very tempting, but if I go there and buy it they'll see me. So, thinking that somehow they even care, I sneak out the other way and go back to my room, where my very first meal living on my own is a cup of instant noodles eaten in my bedroom.
Today. I woke up in the same apartment I've lived in for 3 years, put on a flattering outfit I've worn to work dozens of times before, and went to the same job I've had for 7 years. There I saw the same people and did the same work as the day before and the week before and the year before. The rules and expectations are the same, and if for some reason they aren't I can ask outright what they are. Life stays the same. No major changes. Pas de rentrée.
I love adulthood!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Why children are obsessed with candy
I was trying to remember something that happened when I was very young. I thought back and retrieved the memory of walking around with my grandmother in her neighbourhood and she was telling me about the thing I was trying to remember. Like most memories, this one contained some tiny details. My grandmother was still taller than me at the time. It was one of the first spring days that year when I didn't have to wear a jacket. I could see the water from the top of this one hill. And I was thinking about wintergreen lifesavers - either my grandmother had just bought me some, or I was hoping to convince her to buy me some.
Then I realized: I was thinking about lifesavers, like extensively! I was so fixated on the idea of getting lifesavers that it's coming out as an underlying emotion in the memory 20 years later! As adults, if we want lifesavers we just buy some without a second thought. But kids can't just go and buy lifesavers. They don't have money, and if they do have money they still need permission from a grownup to go to a store, and then the grownup is there to approve or veto their purchase. So that leaves my child-self there absolutely obsessed with convincing her grandmother to buy her lifesavers (Should I ask outright? Should I play coy?) and/or the fact that her grandmother has just bought her lifesavers (Should I eat them all now? Should I save some? What will my parents think?). It wasn't something over which I had any control and I was entirely at the mercy of the grownups buying lifesavers for me and permitting me to have lifesavers, so it became this idee fixe.
And my grownups had never actually been unreasonable about my having candy! Looking at it from an adult perspective, my grandmother would totally have bought them for me if I'd asked, and it might have made her a bit happy to buy me a treat that makes me happy. And my parents wouldn't have taken away a treat that my grandmother bought me, and might have even come up with the idea of testing the theory that they make sparks if you bite them. But because I couldn't just go get them myself, because it was logistically necessary to ask for and receive permission to have lifesavers, they became this Great Big Thing in my mind.
So maybe if all kids has $5 in their pocket and a corner store that they could walk to themselves, they'd stop obsessing with candy (after an initial burst of enthusiasm).
Then I realized: I was thinking about lifesavers, like extensively! I was so fixated on the idea of getting lifesavers that it's coming out as an underlying emotion in the memory 20 years later! As adults, if we want lifesavers we just buy some without a second thought. But kids can't just go and buy lifesavers. They don't have money, and if they do have money they still need permission from a grownup to go to a store, and then the grownup is there to approve or veto their purchase. So that leaves my child-self there absolutely obsessed with convincing her grandmother to buy her lifesavers (Should I ask outright? Should I play coy?) and/or the fact that her grandmother has just bought her lifesavers (Should I eat them all now? Should I save some? What will my parents think?). It wasn't something over which I had any control and I was entirely at the mercy of the grownups buying lifesavers for me and permitting me to have lifesavers, so it became this idee fixe.
And my grownups had never actually been unreasonable about my having candy! Looking at it from an adult perspective, my grandmother would totally have bought them for me if I'd asked, and it might have made her a bit happy to buy me a treat that makes me happy. And my parents wouldn't have taken away a treat that my grandmother bought me, and might have even come up with the idea of testing the theory that they make sparks if you bite them. But because I couldn't just go get them myself, because it was logistically necessary to ask for and receive permission to have lifesavers, they became this Great Big Thing in my mind.
So maybe if all kids has $5 in their pocket and a corner store that they could walk to themselves, they'd stop obsessing with candy (after an initial burst of enthusiasm).
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Parenting is futile
Think about all the behaviours that parents try to limit or restrict in their children.
Now think about how many of those limitations or restrictions are relevant to adults.
We can smoke and drink and have sex. We can go out whenever we want with whomever we please and go driving around in a car if one of us has one and come back as late as we want and stay up as late as we want before going to bed. We can talk on the phone or play videogames or watch TV or go on the internet as much as we want with no restrictions, and if we hear a swear word or see someone's boobies it's no big deal, not even worth mentioning really. We can have whatever cake or cookies or candy or junk food we want in any quantity without having to first drink a glass of milk or eat 11 peas or any other arbitrary rules. We can wear all the make-up we want, plus high heels or short hemlines or low-cut tops or bras with the best engineering money can buy. We can dye, pierce, or tattoo any part of our body humanly possibly. We can totally just walk into a pet store and buy a puppy. (We don't, because it's morally wrong, but we totally can.) We can leave our beds unmade and our clothes unironed and take hour-long showers and leave the house looking like that.
And we do whatever we want out of this list, whenever we want, to no ill effects.
And yet for the first 18 years of our lives, our parents were desperately trying to restrict these behaviours.
Now think about how many of those limitations or restrictions are relevant to adults.
We can smoke and drink and have sex. We can go out whenever we want with whomever we please and go driving around in a car if one of us has one and come back as late as we want and stay up as late as we want before going to bed. We can talk on the phone or play videogames or watch TV or go on the internet as much as we want with no restrictions, and if we hear a swear word or see someone's boobies it's no big deal, not even worth mentioning really. We can have whatever cake or cookies or candy or junk food we want in any quantity without having to first drink a glass of milk or eat 11 peas or any other arbitrary rules. We can wear all the make-up we want, plus high heels or short hemlines or low-cut tops or bras with the best engineering money can buy. We can dye, pierce, or tattoo any part of our body humanly possibly. We can totally just walk into a pet store and buy a puppy. (We don't, because it's morally wrong, but we totally can.) We can leave our beds unmade and our clothes unironed and take hour-long showers and leave the house looking like that.
And we do whatever we want out of this list, whenever we want, to no ill effects.
And yet for the first 18 years of our lives, our parents were desperately trying to restrict these behaviours.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Today I passed!
For the first time in my life, I wasn't carded by an LCBO cashier who was carding regularly! W00t!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Possible new academic year resolution
My new year's anti-resolution is working well, so I'm considering starting another for September, because after 19 years of my life spent in school it's still the psychological new year.
Potential resolution: when shopping or considering a new purchase or new ongoing spending, I don't have to worry about good value for money, I don't have to worry about whether I'm getting screwed over price-wise. All I have to do is stay in the black. As long as I don't fall into the red, I can spend whatever money I want on whatever I want. If I feel after the fact I didn't get my money's worth, I don't have to buy it next time.
I'm not sure if I'm going to go with this resolution. It feels risky, but I think it would reduce stress.
One thing I love about being a grownup and living alone is that when I do decide to make some kind of change in my day to day life, I can just quietly do it without telling anyone. (Yes, I know I blog some of them. I don't blog all of them.) When I was a kid, I'd usually have to tell my mother if only for logistical reasons, which made me feel like both my idea and my ability to execute my idea are up for scrutiny. I like being able to do things without anyone noticing.
Potential resolution: when shopping or considering a new purchase or new ongoing spending, I don't have to worry about good value for money, I don't have to worry about whether I'm getting screwed over price-wise. All I have to do is stay in the black. As long as I don't fall into the red, I can spend whatever money I want on whatever I want. If I feel after the fact I didn't get my money's worth, I don't have to buy it next time.
I'm not sure if I'm going to go with this resolution. It feels risky, but I think it would reduce stress.
One thing I love about being a grownup and living alone is that when I do decide to make some kind of change in my day to day life, I can just quietly do it without telling anyone. (Yes, I know I blog some of them. I don't blog all of them.) When I was a kid, I'd usually have to tell my mother if only for logistical reasons, which made me feel like both my idea and my ability to execute my idea are up for scrutiny. I like being able to do things without anyone noticing.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
And once again, children provide perspective
So I finally got off my ass and did my errands. Behind me in line at the grocery store was a lady with two small children - I'd estimate their ages at 2 and 4* - who clearly needed some food and a nap. Mein Gott what I have to do is easy in comparison - in comparison to both the mother and the children!
I can go about life without ever having to worry about someone else's Dora the Explorer doll, and if all I want to do is go home and curl up with my favourite stuffed animal I can just go and do that. I can buy what I need at the grocery store without someone wheedling for some junk food every two seconds, and if I want some junk food I can just throw it in the cart without asking anyone's permission. I don't have to organize my life around someone else's bladder needs, and if I have to go to the bathroom I can just go without someone telling me to hold it or scolding me for not going earlier.
All I have to do is put on some music, pour a glass of wine, and tear through 3,000 words of translation. (Don't worry, it gets carefully revised tomorrow without the influence of music or wine, it's just most efficient to do the first draft by brute force and the distractions make that go easier.) Compared with grocery shopping with a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old, dead easy!
*Most people I know who are in a two-child family spaced two or three years apart think this is a bad spacing. The eldest is old enough to get used to being an only child, but too young to really appreciate (both in the sense of "think is little and cute" and "empathize with the greater needs of") a baby, and still needs a lot of parental attention that might take away from the baby's needs. With a wider spacing, like five years, the older sibling is more independent and more able to appreciate a baby. And apparently (or so I've heard) with really close spacing the older sibling doesn't become accustomed to or remember being an only so they don't resent the lack of full parental attention or the need to compromise to accomodate the younger sibling. And yet so many people continue to space their children at two to three years. I wonder why? Perhaps no one tells them. (I certainly couldn't think of a tactful way to tell someone to space their children differently.) Perhaps they grew up in different family configurations themselves. Someone should do a study on how the configuration of the family in which people grew up affects their later family planning as an adult.
I can go about life without ever having to worry about someone else's Dora the Explorer doll, and if all I want to do is go home and curl up with my favourite stuffed animal I can just go and do that. I can buy what I need at the grocery store without someone wheedling for some junk food every two seconds, and if I want some junk food I can just throw it in the cart without asking anyone's permission. I don't have to organize my life around someone else's bladder needs, and if I have to go to the bathroom I can just go without someone telling me to hold it or scolding me for not going earlier.
All I have to do is put on some music, pour a glass of wine, and tear through 3,000 words of translation. (Don't worry, it gets carefully revised tomorrow without the influence of music or wine, it's just most efficient to do the first draft by brute force and the distractions make that go easier.) Compared with grocery shopping with a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old, dead easy!
*Most people I know who are in a two-child family spaced two or three years apart think this is a bad spacing. The eldest is old enough to get used to being an only child, but too young to really appreciate (both in the sense of "think is little and cute" and "empathize with the greater needs of") a baby, and still needs a lot of parental attention that might take away from the baby's needs. With a wider spacing, like five years, the older sibling is more independent and more able to appreciate a baby. And apparently (or so I've heard) with really close spacing the older sibling doesn't become accustomed to or remember being an only so they don't resent the lack of full parental attention or the need to compromise to accomodate the younger sibling. And yet so many people continue to space their children at two to three years. I wonder why? Perhaps no one tells them. (I certainly couldn't think of a tactful way to tell someone to space their children differently.) Perhaps they grew up in different family configurations themselves. Someone should do a study on how the configuration of the family in which people grew up affects their later family planning as an adult.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Why I wear heels
Antonia Zerbisias asks why we wear heels.
I can run in them actually, in a sort of mincing tripping way. But I don't want to run. I don't like running. It's not fun and it's not dignified. If I ran a company, I would certainly see to it that there's someone to do any necessary running for me. Not being able to run in my shoes is just as much of a problem as not being able to scale an ice cliff in them.
But I'll tell you why I wear them.
Because I like being six feet tall and having every step I take click authoritatively. Because I like asserting my adulthood by wearing things that are grownup. Because I feel kick-ass when I move furniture or carry eight bags of groceries or physically wrestle with the giant printer at work while dressed girly. Because when I was a kid my parents would rarely let me dress girly on the basis that it's impractical, so now I'm making up for lost time and asserting my independence.
But it's mostly because whenever I succeed at looking feminine, it's a victory. My internal gender identity is very femme - the more I think about it, the more I'm surprised by just how femme it is - but my genetics aren't so very. I'm hairy and oozy and smelly with loud bodily functions. I've never been dainty or petite. I walk too fast and say the wrong thing and move clumsily and speak with a harsh voice. I've never been swept off my feet by a lover because I've always been too big and heavy. I learned the truth at seventeen; I'm simply not destined to ever be pretty.
And then, as I entered my 20s, I started to figure out how to make myself pretty. I slowly figured out how to make the makeup work. I slowly figured out how to put together clothes that are actually flattering to my body (part of which is wearing heels) rather than just being funky clothes in and of themselves. I discovered the virtues of underwires. I came up with a trick or two to do with my hair. I got a decent pair of glasses, then a better pair of glasses. And every so often, when the stars and the laundry cycle and my hair's free will all align correctly, I look like a woman! Something that should be just a small pleasure but one I figured would always be denied to me, I now achieve on a regular basis. I totally win!!! And as I strut down the street, heels tapping, hemline swinging, hair bouncing, face perfectly made up, I am declaring victory.
The heels are a part of that. I can wear whatever I want - I have a few pairs of flats and a good pair of athletic shoes and my job has no dress code - but most days walking down the street declaring victory is far more appealing than walking down the street marginally faster and more comfortably.
So why do women, who now run companies, wear shoes that they can't run in?
I can run in them actually, in a sort of mincing tripping way. But I don't want to run. I don't like running. It's not fun and it's not dignified. If I ran a company, I would certainly see to it that there's someone to do any necessary running for me. Not being able to run in my shoes is just as much of a problem as not being able to scale an ice cliff in them.
But I'll tell you why I wear them.
Because I like being six feet tall and having every step I take click authoritatively. Because I like asserting my adulthood by wearing things that are grownup. Because I feel kick-ass when I move furniture or carry eight bags of groceries or physically wrestle with the giant printer at work while dressed girly. Because when I was a kid my parents would rarely let me dress girly on the basis that it's impractical, so now I'm making up for lost time and asserting my independence.
But it's mostly because whenever I succeed at looking feminine, it's a victory. My internal gender identity is very femme - the more I think about it, the more I'm surprised by just how femme it is - but my genetics aren't so very. I'm hairy and oozy and smelly with loud bodily functions. I've never been dainty or petite. I walk too fast and say the wrong thing and move clumsily and speak with a harsh voice. I've never been swept off my feet by a lover because I've always been too big and heavy. I learned the truth at seventeen; I'm simply not destined to ever be pretty.
And then, as I entered my 20s, I started to figure out how to make myself pretty. I slowly figured out how to make the makeup work. I slowly figured out how to put together clothes that are actually flattering to my body (part of which is wearing heels) rather than just being funky clothes in and of themselves. I discovered the virtues of underwires. I came up with a trick or two to do with my hair. I got a decent pair of glasses, then a better pair of glasses. And every so often, when the stars and the laundry cycle and my hair's free will all align correctly, I look like a woman! Something that should be just a small pleasure but one I figured would always be denied to me, I now achieve on a regular basis. I totally win!!! And as I strut down the street, heels tapping, hemline swinging, hair bouncing, face perfectly made up, I am declaring victory.
The heels are a part of that. I can wear whatever I want - I have a few pairs of flats and a good pair of athletic shoes and my job has no dress code - but most days walking down the street declaring victory is far more appealing than walking down the street marginally faster and more comfortably.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Still not taking it for granted
Yesterday I was at work, telling a co-worker "Yeah, so I've finished my part of Big Scary Technical Text 1 and I'll be happy to discuss any quality or terminology or consistency issues in as much excruciating detail as necessary, and I expect to finish my part of Big Scary Technical Text 2 in draft by the end of today and read it over and finalize it on Monday." Then I realized, dude, I'm actually doing this! I'm translating these Big Scary Technical Texts! And competently! I'm working on a team of people and they're trusting my judgement and I actually have developed the necessary judgement and I'm like competently and authoritatively giving people ETAs and when a discrepency or an unclear meaning comes up I do the research and find a solution! I'm translating like a grownup and they're paying me accordingly! This is awesome!
Then in the shower this morning I realized, hey, this is MY shower in MY bathroom! And the whole apartment is mine! I can take however long I want in this shower and no one will care! The peaches that I bought will all be there when I get out of the shower (except for one that decided to spontaneously turn moldy, but I didn't know that then)! I slept 11 hours last night and no one interrupted me or cared or even knew! This is all my space and I can do whatever I want with it! This is awesome!
It's been five years, and every one in a while it's still exciting to me.
Then in the shower this morning I realized, hey, this is MY shower in MY bathroom! And the whole apartment is mine! I can take however long I want in this shower and no one will care! The peaches that I bought will all be there when I get out of the shower (except for one that decided to spontaneously turn moldy, but I didn't know that then)! I slept 11 hours last night and no one interrupted me or cared or even knew! This is all my space and I can do whatever I want with it! This is awesome!
It's been five years, and every one in a while it's still exciting to me.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Sibling rivalry
A writer in the Globe and Mail proposes that parents shouldn't mediate their kids' sibling conflicts, instead leaving the kids to work it out themselves.
Here's what I want to know: how exactly does he think the kids are going to work out their conflicts? Because when I was a kid, I didn't have any secret conflict-resolution skills that I was lazily not using - I seriously had no idea whatsoever how to get my sister to leave me alone. In fact, even with my adult interpersonal skills, I still have no idea how I could have gotten her to leave me alone within the limitations placed on me as a kid.
As an example, let's look at the most annoying and pervasive sibling problem I had: my sister would keep opening the door when I was in my room with the door closed. It didn't matter what I was doing, it didn't matter if there was a risk that I was changing clothes, it didn't matter if I had just gone into my room and closed the door specifically to get away from her, she would keep trying to open the door. If I blockaded the door, she'd keep pushing at it trying to get in. Countless hours were wasted pitting my superior mass against her superior strength, trying to get her to leave me the fuck alone so I could have a moment's peace. (This also meant I could never let my guard down even when in my own room with the door closed because I never knew when she'd come by and open the door, so if I wanted real privacy I had to physically barricade the door, which was also difficult because I'm not strong enough to move the larger pieces of furniture single-handedly.
So how would Mr. Wolf have my adolescent self solve this problem?
My adult self can think of a number of approaches. The first thing I'd do if this happened to me today is say "Well, if you aren't going to respect my basic need for privacy, I'll just be going home then." Then I'd go home. But as a kid I didn't have my very own apartment in an access-controlled building, conveniently located in another city. If someone was trying to open the door to my apartment despite my attempts to keep them out, I'd call the police. I think I could even make an argument for calling the police if I had a housemate who was trying to open the door to my bedroom despite my attempts to keep them out. But calling the police because your little sister is bugging you is considered frivolous, and even if it was an option I didn't have a phone line in my room or a cellphone of my own. Another thing I could do as an adult is install some locks on the door to my room, but when I was a kid my parents wouldn't let me do this. I suppose as a last resort, my adult self would go and crash elsewhere, with a friend or at a hotel, but as a kid I couldn't do this either.
But even now, pushing 30, passing as a competent adult in a professional work environment on a daily basis, having even taken conflict resolution training, I still haven't the slightest idea how my adolescent self could have resolved that situation with all the restrictions placed on her, short of going "Moooom, make her leave me alone!" So I'd love to know how exactly Mr. Wolf thinks adolescents are going to resolve their own sibling rivalry.
Here's what I want to know: how exactly does he think the kids are going to work out their conflicts? Because when I was a kid, I didn't have any secret conflict-resolution skills that I was lazily not using - I seriously had no idea whatsoever how to get my sister to leave me alone. In fact, even with my adult interpersonal skills, I still have no idea how I could have gotten her to leave me alone within the limitations placed on me as a kid.
As an example, let's look at the most annoying and pervasive sibling problem I had: my sister would keep opening the door when I was in my room with the door closed. It didn't matter what I was doing, it didn't matter if there was a risk that I was changing clothes, it didn't matter if I had just gone into my room and closed the door specifically to get away from her, she would keep trying to open the door. If I blockaded the door, she'd keep pushing at it trying to get in. Countless hours were wasted pitting my superior mass against her superior strength, trying to get her to leave me the fuck alone so I could have a moment's peace. (This also meant I could never let my guard down even when in my own room with the door closed because I never knew when she'd come by and open the door, so if I wanted real privacy I had to physically barricade the door, which was also difficult because I'm not strong enough to move the larger pieces of furniture single-handedly.
So how would Mr. Wolf have my adolescent self solve this problem?
My adult self can think of a number of approaches. The first thing I'd do if this happened to me today is say "Well, if you aren't going to respect my basic need for privacy, I'll just be going home then." Then I'd go home. But as a kid I didn't have my very own apartment in an access-controlled building, conveniently located in another city. If someone was trying to open the door to my apartment despite my attempts to keep them out, I'd call the police. I think I could even make an argument for calling the police if I had a housemate who was trying to open the door to my bedroom despite my attempts to keep them out. But calling the police because your little sister is bugging you is considered frivolous, and even if it was an option I didn't have a phone line in my room or a cellphone of my own. Another thing I could do as an adult is install some locks on the door to my room, but when I was a kid my parents wouldn't let me do this. I suppose as a last resort, my adult self would go and crash elsewhere, with a friend or at a hotel, but as a kid I couldn't do this either.
But even now, pushing 30, passing as a competent adult in a professional work environment on a daily basis, having even taken conflict resolution training, I still haven't the slightest idea how my adolescent self could have resolved that situation with all the restrictions placed on her, short of going "Moooom, make her leave me alone!" So I'd love to know how exactly Mr. Wolf thinks adolescents are going to resolve their own sibling rivalry.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Materialism and self-esteem in kids
So apparently, low self-esteem causes materialism in children, and parents are supposed to counter this by complimenting their children to raise their self esteem. (Ignore any dollar amounts mentioned in this article - the Globe and Mail lives in a different order of magnitude than the rest of us - and just focus on the message).
I see a couple of problems with this.
1. When I was a 12-year-old with no self-esteem, there was nothing my parents could possibly have done to raise it, because the source of the low self-esteem was my peers. Yes, parents, can easily do things to make it worse, but they can't make it better (all together now: life isn't fair!) My parents did try to raise my self-esteem, but all it did was destroy their credibility because clearly they didn't know what they were talking about - no matter what they said to support me or how they tried to advise me, I was still tormented at school. In fact, sometimes I was tormented because of what they did to try to help me - being spotted doing outdoor activities with a parent was worth a threat to spraypaint obscenities onto our lawn (no, I don't know how the bullies calculated that sort of thing), using a turn of phrase provided by a parent was worth at least two days of mockery, etc. No amount of parental reassurance would have negated the fact that I was treated like I was subhuman by dozens of people.
2. "Those with low self-esteem were more likely to arrange a hodge-podge of cars, money, jewellery, sports equipment and - among the youngest bunch - stuffed animals. The children with high self-regard assembled images related to friends, family and outdoor activities such as camping."
Camping is a hobby/activity. Sports are also a hobby/activity, an argument can be made for cars being a hobby/activity, and stuffed animals are both a hobby/activity and a friend. (I dare you to find anyone whose young childhood relationship with their stuffed animals was materialistic rather than affectionate.) They seem to be arbitrarily claiming camping to be superior to other hobbies/activities based on the fact that it takes place outdoors. In other words, this study would rate my self-esteem lower because I'm geeky and arachnophobic, and therefore love my computer more than camping.
3. Again thinking back to my low self-esteem days and the material things I wanted at the time, I never wanted material objects as status symbols in and of themselves; rather, I thought the function they served would help raise my standing in the world or make my life more pleasant. For example, I wanted a discman so I could listen to music more often, thus bringing my pop cultural knowledge up to an acceptable level, plus it was far more socially acceptable to be seen alone listening to music than to be seen alone doing nothing, and headphones would allow me to either tune out or plausibly pretend not to hear the things that were hissed behind my back rather than getting "Oooh, I'll bet her mother told her to just ignore us!" It wasn't the discman itself that I thought would help me socially, it was the ability to listen to music wherever and whenever.
Actually, now that I think about it, although my self-esteem has skyrocketed since its nadir in middle school, my materialism is probably higher now than it was then. Part of this is because I now have disposable income (which still feels new to me), but I think part of it is actually because my self-esteem is higher now - namely the part of my self-esteem that they're talking about in the article, the part that's based on parental approval. You see, my parents value frugality, so to Be Good I was supposed to not want material things. So I tried very hard to not want material things in order to Be Good. Then in university I tried very hard to spend as little money as possible so I could put myself through school and no one could accuse me of being spoiled. But getting a proper grownup job was a huge boost to my self-esteem. I used to feel like the whole world was looking over my shoulder disapproving of my life choices (the side-effect of being a B.A. student among scientists and mathematicians and engineers) but now that I've proven myself and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, I can shop freely. Camera phone, iPod, ridiculous special-ordered dictionaries, the complete works of Eddie Izzard on DVD - I have a job, I can afford it, so WTF do you care? Also, especially in the area of fashion, having higher self esteem makes me more willing to take risks, which I never dared do back when I was trying to be invisible. The red purse, the tall shiny boots, the fascinatingly-cut green skirt - I never would have dared try any of this as a teenager. But now that I'm brave enough to wear it, it comes home with me in a shopping bag rather than being passed over on the rack.
It would be interesting to further compare grown adults' desire for material objects with that of their younger selves. I don't think your materialism gets noticed as much when you're an adult, probably because you don't have to ask for things, you just quietly go out and buy them. Also, more things fit unquestioned into adult life. If I express the desire for a cordless phone that can do call display, it is automatically assumed that I have a good reason rather than that I'm spoiled. I don't expect to keep acquiring material goods at the same rate for the rest of my life because one does build up a reserve, but I see no reason (apart from poverty, of course) why my "I want that - I'll buy that" threshold or my standard of comfort would lower as I age.
What about you? How does your desire for material goods compare now with when you were younger with lower self-esteem?
I see a couple of problems with this.
1. When I was a 12-year-old with no self-esteem, there was nothing my parents could possibly have done to raise it, because the source of the low self-esteem was my peers. Yes, parents, can easily do things to make it worse, but they can't make it better (all together now: life isn't fair!) My parents did try to raise my self-esteem, but all it did was destroy their credibility because clearly they didn't know what they were talking about - no matter what they said to support me or how they tried to advise me, I was still tormented at school. In fact, sometimes I was tormented because of what they did to try to help me - being spotted doing outdoor activities with a parent was worth a threat to spraypaint obscenities onto our lawn (no, I don't know how the bullies calculated that sort of thing), using a turn of phrase provided by a parent was worth at least two days of mockery, etc. No amount of parental reassurance would have negated the fact that I was treated like I was subhuman by dozens of people.
2. "Those with low self-esteem were more likely to arrange a hodge-podge of cars, money, jewellery, sports equipment and - among the youngest bunch - stuffed animals. The children with high self-regard assembled images related to friends, family and outdoor activities such as camping."
Camping is a hobby/activity. Sports are also a hobby/activity, an argument can be made for cars being a hobby/activity, and stuffed animals are both a hobby/activity and a friend. (I dare you to find anyone whose young childhood relationship with their stuffed animals was materialistic rather than affectionate.) They seem to be arbitrarily claiming camping to be superior to other hobbies/activities based on the fact that it takes place outdoors. In other words, this study would rate my self-esteem lower because I'm geeky and arachnophobic, and therefore love my computer more than camping.
3. Again thinking back to my low self-esteem days and the material things I wanted at the time, I never wanted material objects as status symbols in and of themselves; rather, I thought the function they served would help raise my standing in the world or make my life more pleasant. For example, I wanted a discman so I could listen to music more often, thus bringing my pop cultural knowledge up to an acceptable level, plus it was far more socially acceptable to be seen alone listening to music than to be seen alone doing nothing, and headphones would allow me to either tune out or plausibly pretend not to hear the things that were hissed behind my back rather than getting "Oooh, I'll bet her mother told her to just ignore us!" It wasn't the discman itself that I thought would help me socially, it was the ability to listen to music wherever and whenever.
Actually, now that I think about it, although my self-esteem has skyrocketed since its nadir in middle school, my materialism is probably higher now than it was then. Part of this is because I now have disposable income (which still feels new to me), but I think part of it is actually because my self-esteem is higher now - namely the part of my self-esteem that they're talking about in the article, the part that's based on parental approval. You see, my parents value frugality, so to Be Good I was supposed to not want material things. So I tried very hard to not want material things in order to Be Good. Then in university I tried very hard to spend as little money as possible so I could put myself through school and no one could accuse me of being spoiled. But getting a proper grownup job was a huge boost to my self-esteem. I used to feel like the whole world was looking over my shoulder disapproving of my life choices (the side-effect of being a B.A. student among scientists and mathematicians and engineers) but now that I've proven myself and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, I can shop freely. Camera phone, iPod, ridiculous special-ordered dictionaries, the complete works of Eddie Izzard on DVD - I have a job, I can afford it, so WTF do you care? Also, especially in the area of fashion, having higher self esteem makes me more willing to take risks, which I never dared do back when I was trying to be invisible. The red purse, the tall shiny boots, the fascinatingly-cut green skirt - I never would have dared try any of this as a teenager. But now that I'm brave enough to wear it, it comes home with me in a shopping bag rather than being passed over on the rack.
It would be interesting to further compare grown adults' desire for material objects with that of their younger selves. I don't think your materialism gets noticed as much when you're an adult, probably because you don't have to ask for things, you just quietly go out and buy them. Also, more things fit unquestioned into adult life. If I express the desire for a cordless phone that can do call display, it is automatically assumed that I have a good reason rather than that I'm spoiled. I don't expect to keep acquiring material goods at the same rate for the rest of my life because one does build up a reserve, but I see no reason (apart from poverty, of course) why my "I want that - I'll buy that" threshold or my standard of comfort would lower as I age.
What about you? How does your desire for material goods compare now with when you were younger with lower self-esteem?
Saturday, August 25, 2007
How adult are you?
I am 92% adult
Then I fiddled with the questions to see where I lost points.
I lost points on love because I agreed that true love lasts forever. I think we're quibbling over semantics here because part of my definition of true love is that it lasts forever. (I suppose we could also quibble over the definition of the word "lasts".)
I lost points on sex because I said a woman can get pregnant at any point in her menstual cycle. While I know that you can only get pregnant while ovulating, I was taking it as a given that you can't necessarily tell if you're ovulating, and therefore protection is required throughout your cycle. I think perhaps they're thinking from a trying-to-conceive perspective rather than a childfree perspective.
I lost points on leadership because I suck at negotiating.
I lost points on physical ability because my body is crap. (Although I do find myself questioning what that category is doing here - if you're deaf or paralyzed, you're still an adult).
I lost points on education because I disagreed that higher grades pay off with more salary and opportunities. I answered this way because it reflects my experience - people care about my credentials, not my grades. However, this might also be because when I think "high grades", I think getting 95% as opposed to 85%, while they might be thinking getting 85% as opposed to 49%.
I lost points on self-management because I don't keep a to-do list. Because I don't need one - I can remember stuff.
I lost points on citizenship because I didn't know you need a college degree to be an officer in the military. As this is an American quiz and I'm a Canadian pacifist, I don't consider this a liability.
I also found some of the questions weren't clear about how much ability they wanted from you. Can I strike up a conversation with someone? If there is something that needs to be talked about, of course! If we're in an elevator together for 2 minutes, sure! But if I'm seated next to a stranger for 2 hours, there are going to be awkward silences.
Another of the questions was something like if you couldn't take care of yourself, would you know where to go for help? Well, I'd know where to go for a referral - I'd call my family doctor (I don't know why I call her that when I'm the only one in the family she's a doctor for) or Telehealth, but I wouldn't know what the next step is.
The question on whether you can be spiritual without being part of an organized religion I answered entirely based on hearsay, since I seem congenitally incapable of spiritually. I don't know whether they expect me to know firsthand, but I don't.
Also, two of the questions are do you know how to write a cheque, and do you know how to write and send a letter. I think these are quickly becoming obsoleted. If you're, say, 11 years old today and for some reason you don't know how to write a cheque or mail a letter, that may not prove a liability by the time you reach adulthood.
Love 89%
Sex 89%
Leadership 89%
Problem Solving 100%
Physical Abilities 44%
Verbal & Math Skills 100%
Interpersonal Skills 100%
Handling Responsibility 100%
Managing High Risk Behaviors 100%
Managing Work & Money 100%
Education 89%
Personal Care 100%
Self Management 89%
Citizenship 89%
Then I fiddled with the questions to see where I lost points.
I lost points on love because I agreed that true love lasts forever. I think we're quibbling over semantics here because part of my definition of true love is that it lasts forever. (I suppose we could also quibble over the definition of the word "lasts".)
I lost points on sex because I said a woman can get pregnant at any point in her menstual cycle. While I know that you can only get pregnant while ovulating, I was taking it as a given that you can't necessarily tell if you're ovulating, and therefore protection is required throughout your cycle. I think perhaps they're thinking from a trying-to-conceive perspective rather than a childfree perspective.
I lost points on leadership because I suck at negotiating.
I lost points on physical ability because my body is crap. (Although I do find myself questioning what that category is doing here - if you're deaf or paralyzed, you're still an adult).
I lost points on education because I disagreed that higher grades pay off with more salary and opportunities. I answered this way because it reflects my experience - people care about my credentials, not my grades. However, this might also be because when I think "high grades", I think getting 95% as opposed to 85%, while they might be thinking getting 85% as opposed to 49%.
I lost points on self-management because I don't keep a to-do list. Because I don't need one - I can remember stuff.
I lost points on citizenship because I didn't know you need a college degree to be an officer in the military. As this is an American quiz and I'm a Canadian pacifist, I don't consider this a liability.
I also found some of the questions weren't clear about how much ability they wanted from you. Can I strike up a conversation with someone? If there is something that needs to be talked about, of course! If we're in an elevator together for 2 minutes, sure! But if I'm seated next to a stranger for 2 hours, there are going to be awkward silences.
Another of the questions was something like if you couldn't take care of yourself, would you know where to go for help? Well, I'd know where to go for a referral - I'd call my family doctor (I don't know why I call her that when I'm the only one in the family she's a doctor for) or Telehealth, but I wouldn't know what the next step is.
The question on whether you can be spiritual without being part of an organized religion I answered entirely based on hearsay, since I seem congenitally incapable of spiritually. I don't know whether they expect me to know firsthand, but I don't.
Also, two of the questions are do you know how to write a cheque, and do you know how to write and send a letter. I think these are quickly becoming obsoleted. If you're, say, 11 years old today and for some reason you don't know how to write a cheque or mail a letter, that may not prove a liability by the time you reach adulthood.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Just saying no
When we think of why being a grownup rocks, we tend to think of things we can do even though our parents don't want us to. But another thing that rocks about being a grownup is that when our parents do want us to do something and we don't want to, we can just say no.
When you're a kid, if your parents offer you some specific food, you can't just say no thanks. They try to get you to eat it anyway, they make up all these rules like you have to eat ten peas before you leave the table or you have to drink a glass of milk before you can have some juice or if you don't eat it now you have to eat it for breakfast tomorrow morning. If you're going outside, they can make you wear snowpants, and you can't just say "I won't be needing snowpants, we'll be skipping and they'll just get in the way." If they think you need to practice your piano before you watch TV, you can't just say "Actually the one show I really want to watch is on now, so I'll watch it now and practice my piano after."
And this isn't just for disciplinary things. If your parents stop for ice cream but you don't want any ice cream, you can't just say no thanks, you have them try to convince you and you have to keep saying no and it's this whole big thing. If your friend invites you over to play and your parents think it's a good idea but you don't want to, you can't just say "Maybe later, I'm not up to it right now," to your friend - you have to justify the whole thing to your parents. If they offer to go play catch with you, under the impression that they're doing you a favour by doing something they think is fun for you, but you'd rather finish your book because you just got to the good part, you can't just say "No thanks, I want to finish my book." They try to coerce you and convince you and maybe they make a rule that you have to go play outside for at least an hour before you can come back in and finish your book.
When you're a kid, every single time you want to say no to your parents, you have to justify it, you have to discuss it, you have to get them to agree, you have to go through this Whole Big Thing. But as an adult, you can just say no. You can even manage to just say no thanks, because you know you're not going to have to go through the Whole Big Thing so your no doesn't have to be that forceful.
When you think about it, it really is remarkably liberating to not have to justify your every little preference, instead just quietly going about your life the way you want to. It saves so much time and energy!
When you're a kid, if your parents offer you some specific food, you can't just say no thanks. They try to get you to eat it anyway, they make up all these rules like you have to eat ten peas before you leave the table or you have to drink a glass of milk before you can have some juice or if you don't eat it now you have to eat it for breakfast tomorrow morning. If you're going outside, they can make you wear snowpants, and you can't just say "I won't be needing snowpants, we'll be skipping and they'll just get in the way." If they think you need to practice your piano before you watch TV, you can't just say "Actually the one show I really want to watch is on now, so I'll watch it now and practice my piano after."
And this isn't just for disciplinary things. If your parents stop for ice cream but you don't want any ice cream, you can't just say no thanks, you have them try to convince you and you have to keep saying no and it's this whole big thing. If your friend invites you over to play and your parents think it's a good idea but you don't want to, you can't just say "Maybe later, I'm not up to it right now," to your friend - you have to justify the whole thing to your parents. If they offer to go play catch with you, under the impression that they're doing you a favour by doing something they think is fun for you, but you'd rather finish your book because you just got to the good part, you can't just say "No thanks, I want to finish my book." They try to coerce you and convince you and maybe they make a rule that you have to go play outside for at least an hour before you can come back in and finish your book.
When you're a kid, every single time you want to say no to your parents, you have to justify it, you have to discuss it, you have to get them to agree, you have to go through this Whole Big Thing. But as an adult, you can just say no. You can even manage to just say no thanks, because you know you're not going to have to go through the Whole Big Thing so your no doesn't have to be that forceful.
When you think about it, it really is remarkably liberating to not have to justify your every little preference, instead just quietly going about your life the way you want to. It saves so much time and energy!
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Boring grownup stuff
The problem with arranging a move is that there's so much boring grownup stuff involved. I have to call people and get estimates for stuff and write cheques and watch my bank account balance and sign things. I've used the word "insurance" more in the past week than in the rest of my life combined! Don't get me wrong, I'd still rather be an adult than a child (I watched whatever I wanted on TV today! And now I'm playing computer games while drinking wine!) but this high density of boring grownup stuff is kind of getting me down.
This makes me glad I'm childfree and carfree. People with children and cars have to worry about stuff like this ALL THE TIME! Cars are giant resourcesucks, and with children you have to be doubley extra super-duper careful about EVERYTHING!
Maybe that's why those Kids Today people take childlessness as one of the signs of not being a grownup - because it affords you time to think about stuff other than boring grownup stuff.
This makes me glad I'm childfree and carfree. People with children and cars have to worry about stuff like this ALL THE TIME! Cars are giant resourcesucks, and with children you have to be doubley extra super-duper careful about EVERYTHING!
Maybe that's why those Kids Today people take childlessness as one of the signs of not being a grownup - because it affords you time to think about stuff other than boring grownup stuff.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
They told us so much bullshit when we were teenagers.
"These are the best years of your life." WTF? Who made this up, and what kind of hellish life were they living? And why do grownups keep repeating this when everyone knows it isn't true?
"Schools and employers are looking for extracurricular activities on your resume, so you'd better have at least one athletic, at least one non-athletic, and at least one outside." Scholarship recruiters are certainly looking for this as a way to distinguish among the most excellent, but for the rest of the world it doesn't matter one iota. Do what is fun or interesting to you.
"You have to decide on your career path NOW! The decisions you make now will last the rest of your life!" Um, no! So you take the wrong courses? No problem, take a couple of intro courses as electives in post-secondary and then switch your major. You don't get into university? No problem, work a couple of years, take adult education courses at your local college, and apply for university once you've reached mature student age.
The truth that they never told us is that nothing that happens in high school matters. Instead of all this bullshit, they should tell you at the end of grade 5 "Kids, the next 5-10 years of your life are going to range from confusing and frustrating to utter hell. Some of your classmates are going to turn into people you don't recognize, you're going to find yourselves saddled with the body of an adult, the rights of a child, and people constantly trying to push adult responsibilities on you without adult privileges. So take it easy, do your best, have fun when you can, ask for help when you need it, and spend some time alone in a dark room crying when you need to. Then one day you'll turn 20, and nothing that happens between now and then will matter any more."
"These are the best years of your life." WTF? Who made this up, and what kind of hellish life were they living? And why do grownups keep repeating this when everyone knows it isn't true?
"Schools and employers are looking for extracurricular activities on your resume, so you'd better have at least one athletic, at least one non-athletic, and at least one outside." Scholarship recruiters are certainly looking for this as a way to distinguish among the most excellent, but for the rest of the world it doesn't matter one iota. Do what is fun or interesting to you.
"You have to decide on your career path NOW! The decisions you make now will last the rest of your life!" Um, no! So you take the wrong courses? No problem, take a couple of intro courses as electives in post-secondary and then switch your major. You don't get into university? No problem, work a couple of years, take adult education courses at your local college, and apply for university once you've reached mature student age.
The truth that they never told us is that nothing that happens in high school matters. Instead of all this bullshit, they should tell you at the end of grade 5 "Kids, the next 5-10 years of your life are going to range from confusing and frustrating to utter hell. Some of your classmates are going to turn into people you don't recognize, you're going to find yourselves saddled with the body of an adult, the rights of a child, and people constantly trying to push adult responsibilities on you without adult privileges. So take it easy, do your best, have fun when you can, ask for help when you need it, and spend some time alone in a dark room crying when you need to. Then one day you'll turn 20, and nothing that happens between now and then will matter any more."
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