Sunday, November 11, 2012

Praising children's accomplishments

My Favourite Little Person recently turned 1!  I'm so proud of her!

Yes, even though it isn't actually an accomplishment, my immediate emotional response is to be proud of her. The same holds for any milestone.  She can crawl!  She can walk!  If you ask her "Where's the apple?" she'll point at the apple!  (Aside: that blows my mind - I didn't even know pre-verbal children could do that!)  I'm so proud of her!

When I'm actually in the same room as her,  my immediate emotional response to her doing anything new or new to me or successful or big-girlish is to gush.  "Wow!  Look at you!  You're walking!  **Applause**  Good girl!"  Even though  it's a perfectly normal milestone that everyone who is physically capable achieves.

There's a parenting philosophy that you shouldn't gush over kids' accomplishments when they're regular everyday accomplishments, you should save it for the truly impressive. And proponents of this philosophy seem to think that parents are gushing over kids' accomplishments in an attempt to boost the kids' self-esteem.

But based on my visceral and emotional inclination to gush about MFLP (who isn't even my own child!) I question whether it's possible for a loving parent to not gush over a small adorable child learning something new or achieving a milestone.  It seems like it would take a massive amount of restraint, and would build up an emotional wall for no good reason.

7 comments:

Sarah said...

Hi, over from Clarissa's blog.

If you're gushing at a 1yr old baby, that's normal, but gushing at a crap drawing made by a child of 8 who you know can do better, that's inappropriate.

Over-praising older children does them no good at all, but I'm not sure you can over-praise a baby. :)

impudent strumpet said...

Is there a specific age at which you're supposed to stop gushing?

I actually once did gush extensively at a drawing made by an 8-year-old (I'm not knowledgeable to tell if it was a good or bad drawing for an 8-year-old) because I was just so excited that some random kid I'd just met had felt moved to draw a picture just for me.

laura k said...

I agree with you and also Sarah.

Kids (and all people) need a lot of encouragement. We need to know we are loved and valued. It always has to be age appropriate, but it's always good, I think.

If you gushed over an 8y/o for doing baby things, it would be awful. (Children with disabilities often find this, it is nearly universally hated.) But if an 8y/o has a terrific accomplishment, I think, gush away. Maybe the gushing sounds different, takes a different form, but it serves the same function.

Positive reinforcement, encouragement, recognition, appreciation - all good.

laura k said...

Another thought. When I was teaching, the community social workers who worked with the students said I over-praised them. I was the only white person in this equation. They believed I was (possibly unknowingly) working on racist assumptions, praising them for trivial things because my expectations for them were lower.

I felt that these particular students needed more encouragement than they were getting. They had already dropped out of public school and were self-motivated to enrol in an alternative program. They had really hard lives and were trying really hard, and I wanted to give them extra encouragement.

I did hold them to standards, but when they reached the standards, I praised them. They respected me so I thought the praise would resonate with them.

The social workers hated it and resented me for it.

It was an ongoing issue. Hopefully not completely off-topic.

impudent strumpet said...

I'm curious what you were praising them for that the social workers thought you shouldn't.

laura k said...

Whatever good work they did in class. It was a practical skills class - basic computer skills, budgeting, writing a business letter. Plus I praised them for maintaining good habits, such as attendance and punctuality. I had a bonus-points system for the work habits part - you could earn stuff for coming to class on time every day.

The social workers hated all of it. They said the students were just doing what they were supposed to do and didn't deserve all that praise.

This should be seen in context. These students came from very "disorganized" (in the social work sense) lives. Most people they knew were street-involved, out of school, using drugs, etc. There were tremendous pressures working against their commitment to school. Hence the presence of community-based social workers in the program.

impudent strumpet said...

I have no parenting knowledge, teaching knowledge, social work knowledge, etc. and everything I'm saying here is just based on the fact that I live in the world and was young once, but what you're describing sounds consistent with the "catch them doing good" motivation technique, which I understand is commonly used both for parenting and for employee motivation. I don't know if it was common or not back when you were teaching, but it's been normal for my entire adult life.

Also (and I don't know if this reflects their reality or is me being stereotypey), if they aren't receiving praise for doing what they're supposed to at home, that would be a motivator to go to school - they have somewhere they can be where people appreciate them!

Also, it occurs to me that in the professional world, I get...not praise, because that would be weird between adults, but credit and kudos and thanks for just doing what I'm supposed to. I deliver every text on time with no errors, meet my productivity quotas and give useful and cheerful answers to every question from a co-worker or client, I get a glowing performance review in my file, even though I'm just doing what I'm supposed to. Even when I was in fast food, if I followed the script perfectly when mystery shoppers came in, I got an award.